Andrew Haala’s Snake Alley Crit Race Report

It’s a week before the race and all I can think about is the video I’m watching of racers grinding up the switchbacks, slipping and running as the conditions allow. Three racers come around a corner on the downhill as a fourth’s tire slips out and sends him and his bike skidding across the pavement. The weekend’s forecast calls for rain. And I can’t believe I signed up to do this as my first crit.

Luckily I had no choice. The Snake Alley Crit is the most challenging, most brutal, and most fun race in the Midwest, which aligns far too well with Team Beer’d for us not to come. Simon, who’s racing Cat 5 with me, is already at Adam’s place when I arrive the night before. We go over some videos and race reports before packing and trying to fall asleep around midnight.

Wake up is at 4, and we’re in the car and running away from the Sun to get to Iowa as quickly as possible. Adam produces a woman-riding-polar-bear lucky charm given to him by teammate Coyote, and promptly gets pulled over for going 83 in a 65. We make it the remaining 30 miles to Burlington, get our numbers and walk the course. While the switchbacks are the star, there’s a hill before them that’s at least a 25 foot rise, killing any momentum before Snake Alley is reached. And then Snake Alley, so steep I was bumping my heart rate up just walking up it. As we meander we see the day’s earlier races get broken down, going from a pack at the start to groups of 1’s and 2’s a lap later. We get changed in the car and warm up according to Adam’s coaching, feeling my jersey soak up the newly hot sun as it crests the building I was hiding behind. Note to team, we need white on our backs next year, maybe a yeti? Simon and I downed our water bottles and arrived at the staging area with Luis, waiting for our numbers to be called off. Of the three of us, I was first at 183, and thankfully the previous teams had left a 2 foot wide gap between them and the podium stage, giving me a perfect starting lane. Hydrated, fueled, and trying to silence my leg’s anxious shivering, “GO!” is shouted and we’re off.

I instinctively get clipped in and sprint through the gap while the field is looking down and trying to catch their pedals. Through the lane I go and quickly am in the top 15 as we take the first right into the hill. As others drop off the lead trying to get out of their big ring I and the remainder attack the first hill, each jockeying for one or two positions. We’re quickly double-file into the Snake, my front and rear wheels hopping madly as I try not to get pinned to the inside lane and its 20% grades. Before I know it a half dozen of us are into the downhill. The first lap I brake and watch everyone slip a length ahead as they rattle over the uneven pavement, leaning hard at 30mph as they bounce over a wide divot in the middle of the second downhill. We all soft pedal through the false flats and pass the line, one lap down. The next lap I’m smoother on the cobbles and give up on braking, leaning harder and picking my line a bit more carefully. I look back every time we reach the flats and see a few people on my tail, assuming that the worst has happened and we’ve formed a solid, unbreakable paceline. Little do I know it’s down to five in the lead pack, with people dropping off regularly.

Halfway through the race I’m starting to lose my mountain-goating ability and am at a walking pace at the top of the “intro” hill when the unthinkable happens. Trying to downshift I lose focus and don’t push hard enough on my Rival shifters, going only one click and upshifting instead! Another try produces another upshift, and I give up and mash to maintain my position and not fall over. Adam is running alongside me and yelling, while I get more encouragement from the Cuttin’ Crew couch. After cresting and recovering on the downhill I start seeing the piles of people who’ve been pulled, including Simon and Luis, who now take up the torch as the finish line cheerers. I take a pull for a lap but get passed on the intro hill, from then on following Josh Long in yellow, occasionally losing a bit on the climb but making it up on the descent. Lap after lap I reach the top of Snake Alley out of fear, lungs on fire, legs refusing to move, overheating from the bright sun, trying to stay focused enough to catch the slips and jumps of my wheels on the descent.

Before I realize it we have one lap to go. Snake Alley has never been steeper than it was that lap, with the crowd going berserk for us to make it to the top, and we do. The possibilities for an attack was prime as we crested the Snake, but none of us three in the lead pack could muster the energy. We bomb through the turns and are soon onto the flats, still soft pedaling in anticipation of the final fight on the straight. A right, a left, and the three of us break for it. Around my and Josh’s left flies Brad Bach, who was entirely not skinny enough to do as well as he did. I put a target on Josh’s back and strive to reach it, but can’t make an inch on him as he chases after Brad. We fly through the line exhilarated and exhausted.

Celebration abounds as Simon, Adam, and I are going insane with Team Beer’d’s podium. Congratulations are given to the two beasts ahead of me before the traditional champagne (free water bottle) spraying of the crowd. After recovery it’s Adam’s race, who throws all in and gets a good position in the first few laps. And then he’s gone. A few laps later we spot him walking up the hill towards us, thankfully unscathed. Like Simon, this isn’t the race Adam’s designed or trained for, and he gets pulled early. And then the fun starts. A 12 pack of High Life from the Kum & Go (wait…what? see adam’s photos for details) and junk food goes well with the shaded couch of Cuttin’ Crew, which was somehow willed into position halfway up the Snake.

Notable moments of the following race watching: getting half a dozen different racers to pop wheelies for us, watching a guy stall in a corner and turtle directly into the grass quite comfortably, watching a Cat 3 racer on the first lap nearly throw his $5k bike due to a snapped chain, and jeering the two short shorts Pro/1/2 racers onwards. Of course the best part was forcing the Cuttin’ Crew riders onwards, as we did with Molly (“I can’t do this, i can’t do this, but my friends are counting on me, ok I’m back in”) earlier in the day. While the group was cheering all out for each CC rider, Avi got stupendous amounts of chanting for his back-to-back 12 lap races. The man is insane! Before the Pro/1/2 race finished we packed up and headed out, my body forcing me into unconsciousness from complete exhaustion. Overall a great weekend for Team Beer’d, and one that will be repeated (a bit more quickly though) next year.

More photos here – Taken by Adam Spartacus